Wow! I got an amazing hit of insight on my run this morning. I was gazing up at all the stars (the calm before the snowstorm…hopefully) then I looked down at Solo (my son’s dog) and I GOT or better yet UNDERSTOOD anger.
I figured out that Solo is a great mirror for me in terms of where I am present within myself. When I sit in judgement of myself, then my reaction to Solo when he does something “wrong” is anger. When I sit in the space of love for myself, then my reaction to Solo when he does something “wrong” is neutral. I may redirect him, but I don’t do it in an angry tone of voice.
What does this mean? I’ve been following Shirzad Chamine and his focus on Positive Intelligence Quotient or PQ. He talks about the Saboteurs and the Sages. There are 10 Saboteurs that basically attach to your ego identity and pull you down or back and are your personal gravity. There are 5 Sages. They are related to the oneness you have with all that it – the I AM. They support your forward movement or your propulsion to your heart-centered space. The main Saboteur is The Judge. This character stands in front of you, with whatever you are doing, and tells you that it is not good enough, or correct, or in your best interest, or… (fill in the blank for whatever brings you down).
What I realized today, is that my Judge is still firmly planted in front of me and can easily take me out…when I give it attention. This makes me very angry. Deep inside I can’t come to grips with why I am being judged so harshly when I live my life in service. I try to live consciously. I do my best to be present. I work really hard to accomplish a lot for the community. Why is that not good enough? What does it take? The reality is that it truly is a mind game. My ego identity is attached to my Judge. The anger that comes out in me, is the anger the Judge bestows on me. I simply transmute it as I can’t keep it inside. But it’s all misdirected. It simply shows me that I’m giving attention to my Judge, the entity that wants nothing positive for me, but has fooled me into thinking that it does. I’ve lived with it for so long, that it feels “normal” to have those negative feelings about myself. But, the truth is that it’s all in my mind. The Judge is just another character from my ego. I can watch it, acknowledge its existence, but not give it any authority.
The big question for me, even beyond the anger, is where does my “doing” come from. If my “doing” comes from a place of proving or trying to suppress the harshness of my Judge, then yes, I will be angry. I will never be good enough for the Judge. My Judge will always be up front and center to show me my personal gravity. BUT, if my “doing” comes from the place of I AM, then I have nothing to prove. I simply exist. I simply am. I “do” because it comes authentically from my heart. It’s just there…present…available.
Go out into the world today leading from your heart. When the Judge appears, acknowledge it, then walk right past it. Don’t hang out and dance with it. I think it has two left feet!